She wishes that she had fallen in love with Daniel
by AmyJ10
Summary: If fate had allowed her to choose, she would have chosen Daniel. Sam/Jack


**This is my first Sam/Jack story in a long time so be gentle with me. It's very angsty, and intense. It contains a swear word and some sexual language.**

 **This is set a month or two after divide and conquer and looks at how Sam is coping and how she sees her relationship with Jack. I believe that they went to a dark place after their mutual admission and this is my explanation of it. I am S/J all the way but I did use Daniel to help me out here.**

 **Thank you to Jaqueline for her excellent Beta skills. I really appreciate your help and feedback.**

Daniel is a complicated man **;** still yearning for the love of his life, sometimes unable to accept that she is never coming back. But he is passionate, he is inquisitive, and he fights for what he believes, no matter what the consequences. She loves that about him. If fate had allowed her to choose, she would have chosen him.

He doesn't allow military rules to stop him from doing anything that he feels he should be doing. Over the years he's become more tolerant of the regulations and most of the time he tries to abide by them, but every so often he refuses, point blank. She respects that.

She remembers him fighting for the people of P3X-189, refusing to be quiet even when General Hammond ordered him to. She wishes that just once she could disobey a direct order, that she could tell her commanding officers to go fuck themselves. She'll never forget the look on Colonel's face when Daniel flung those words at him, angry that the military had condemned those on P3X-189 to death, by refusing to step in when they were attacked by Apophis.

She knew that Jack hadn't agreed with the decision to let the planet fend for itself, but there was nothing that he could do about it, he had his orders. Sam loves that Daniel isn't bound to follow orders.

He still allows himself to get excited about missions, artifacts and cultures that they discover. She loves to watch him when he discovers something; his eyes widen and sometimes, if it's really good, he struggles to catch his breath.

She loves that he allows himself to respond without any filters. Sometimes it's infectious and she can't help but respond in a similar way. The Major in her tries to play it cool, but the scientist can't help but react with amazement. Even now, four years after her first trip through the stargate. She and Daniel are alike in that way; they love to discover things, to challenge their preconceived notions. Jack calls them geeks; she doesn't care. Daniel understands why she gets excited and listens eagerly as she speaks, even if he doesn't always understand it. He never cuts her off, never holds his hand up to tell her to stop, he never gets angry at her when she goes into detail, he just watches and nods eagerly. She loves that about him.

Daniel isn't afraid to show his emotions; anger, fear, sadness. She's watched him cry on more than one occasion, and she's sat as he's held on to her and sobbed for his lost wife. He doesn't think that crying is a weakness. She can't help but chastise herself if she cries, if she shows any signs of weakness. The military doesn't allow for weakness. Daniel is bursting with emotions and unafraid to show them. He doesn't bottle it up, only to explode later. He seeks comfort from his friends, he doesn't push them away. Daniel lets her in, he explains what he feels and why and she understands him fully. She almost always knows what he is thinking, and if she doesn't, he tells her. He's an open book.

She knows that if Daniel had fallen in love with her he would have told her as soon as he had realized He wouldn't leave her to wonder and analyse every touch, every word. She loves the fact that even if Daniel was told that he had to, he wouldn't be able to suppress his emotions. He would tell her, he would show her. She and Daniel wouldn't have been forced to admit feelings in front of a room people, it never would have come to that. But if they had there is no way that he would allow them to try to pretend nothing has happened. Daniel would force her to talk about it, to discuss what happens next. Daniel wouldn't be able to keep away from her if he knew that they both had feelings for each other. He wouldn't let her run away, he wouldn't avoid her. He would tell her how dangerous it is to ignore feelings like this. He would tell her that ignoring it wouldn't make her love him any less. He would kiss her, and if she hesitated he would whisper words of reassurance before kissing her again. He would never leave it in the room. She loves that about him.

Daniel is an attractive man. She's heard many women in the SGC discussing him, approving of the much-needed haircut and questioning if he'd been working out as his body seemed to change and bulk up. She' had three women ask her if she can put in a good word for them, but she declined and told them to speak to Daniel themselves. She was all about honesty and openness, when it wasn't to do with her. She knew that Daniel's change in physique was down to training sessions with Teal'c and more than once she'd caught herself staring at his newly formed muscles. She isn't ashamed to admit that she's thought about what he would be like as a lover. She thinks that he would be tender; that he would hold her close and whisper soft, reassuring words in her ear as he moved inside of her. She wishes that she ached for him, that she longed and for him in the way that she longed for... She wishes that she longed for him.

She loves that Daniel shares his pain with her; the pain of losing his wife and his parents. He doesn't refuse to talk about his pain, his experience, and his brutal honesty is refreshing. He once spoke about an intense loneliness, one that she understands all too well. He'd explained his fear of never finding someone like Sha're, of never being able to love again. He explained that he wishes there was someone who understood him, his loss and his life of saving the world. She wonders now what would have happened if she'd told him that she did, if she had reached for him, wanting to give him comfort and to find comfort for herself. It would have been so easy… She knows that he wouldn't have pushed her away, that maybe it would have gone further than a kiss but it wouldn't have been the end of the world.

She thinks that they could easily sleep together and still be best friends, still talk and open up to each other. The world wouldn't implode; no one would be fired or sent away to Alaska for the rest of their military lives. Although they might want to, they wouldn't have to keep it a secret. He would reassure her that everything was okay. He would promise that nothing would change unless she wanted it to. There would be very little angst. She doesn't believe it would be plain sailing, but it would be nowhere near as complicated as it would be with… other people. Daniel would be honest and upfront, even if it meant hurting her feelings. He wouldn't put her career first; he cares about her career but he cares about her even more. She loves him for that.

But she isn't _in_ love with him. She so desperately wants to be but she isn't. She's in love with her commanding officer. She's in love with a man who couldn't be more different to her best friend. She's in love with a man who she cannot have. She aches for him; she dreams of him touching her, claiming her as his own - then she goes to work and gives him a polite smile as he avoids all physical contact with her. He isn't open, or honest with her, and he refuses to talk to her unless he needs to. He's been slowly pushing her away ever since they'd been forced to admit that they have feelings for each other. She wonders if he's come to realise that his feelings aren't what he thought they were? Mere months after he claimed to care about her more than he 'should' she found herself wondering if he still cared at all.

"Carter?"

His words shake her from her thoughts. She turns to him as he climbs out of the tent he was sharing with Teal'c.

"You okay?" he asks, noticing her slight frown.

She nods and thinks for a second about staying with him as he takes his watch. She thinks about telling him that she's falling apart. She thinks about asking him to make it better. She loves him so much it physically hurts and she can't do a damn thing about it. She won't talk to him, she won't stay with him. She won't make him feel any more uncomfortable than he clearly already does in her presence. He's avoiding looking at her as he finds himself a spot to spend the next three hours; he couldn't possibly sit where she's just been sitting.

She silently climbs into her tent and lies down, shimmying into her sleeping bag, careful not to wake Daniel. She looks closely at her best friend before closing her eyes. She traces her hand over his cheek, stopping just short of touching him.

She wishes that she had fallen in love with Daniel.


End file.
